A Vow Is A Promise Or Oath

These vows may seem very similar to the vows that you exchanged on your wedding day.

“I, take thee, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you.”

There is a lot of rich content in the typical Christian Marriage Vows including implied sacrifices that may stretch the average human to the brink of questioning what they have gotten themselves into. It can seem that we commit to these vows without really acknowledging how they actually play out during the course of marriage.

This is very reminiscent of the vows that we made during our growing up years. Some of these vows may sound something like:

  • No one will ever hurt me again so I put up walls to keep people out
  • I will not be taken advantage of so I never really connect at a heart level
  • No man will ever leave me so I obsess on everything he does
  • No woman with control me so I become verbally/emotionally controlling
  • I’m not going to be the blame for failure in my marriage so I blame my spouse for the issues in the relationship

And the list goes on with many other self defeating beliefs that are intended to protect us emotional, mentally and physically. Don’t get me wrong, there are situations in life that these beliefs are truly protective and come in handy when we are in serious danger. But when it comes to having intimacy in the marriage they become destructive and divisive.

When The Vow Becomes Toxic

These moments, or vows, during the course of our lives that happen are out of our control and they significantly impact us. These significant events become rooted in shame and over time become toxic! This toxicity begins to show up in marriage in many different forms as outlined above. Mostly it rears it’s ugly head as emotional outbursts, behavioral issues or addictions of many forms.

It’s important that a husband and a wife take a serious look at the shame they brought into the marriage to successfully navigate the unexpected turbulence that can happen without notice. Check out this quick video from The Intentional Marriage Weekend from November 2017 in Nashville, TN.

If you struggle with the ‘inner vow’ that you made in your life before you committed to you marriage vows, do yourself and your spouse a favor. Look in to how it is impacting your daily life and your marriage. It is your responsibility to take action on these issues.

Let us help! Look into attending one of our weekend conferences or participate in our online course called “Building Marriages to Last.” We also have an option to coach with Bryan & Stephanie in person or virtually. Feel free to contact us with any questions that you may have and we pray that hope would be restored in your marriage! You don’t have to settle for average in your marriage. With God at the center, you can have a THRIVING marriage!


Bryan & Stephanie